It’s the end of the year, the time when folk take to social media to share their humble-bragworthy list of blessings, testimonies and goals they accomplished throughout the year.
But for me, the majority of my 2017 consisted of me being stressed out from a job I absolutely hated. My love and motivation for writing came to a complete standstill. I experienced a ton of anxiety and self-doubt, which took a major toll on my self-esteem. To sum it up, this year was probably one of my lowest points mentally, spiritually and emotionally.
I spent a large amount of time watching others on social media, comparing myself to those who appeared to be much further ahead and happier in life. Man, such-and-such is so popping. How does she get so many likes in such a short span of time? I really need to step my IG game up.
I decided to give my Instagram profile a makeover. I deleted all my old pics and replaced them with new, professional shots of me pseudo-strolling across the street or strutting down the steps of an office building in a trendy outfit. I came up with this whole new IG aesthetic that would make my page look more cool and polished. I was basically trying to keep up with all the social medialites I see everyday looking fly and flawless with their dope style, perfect hair and clever captions. I was so busy trying to compete with a one-dimensional version of people whose actual lives I knew nothing about. I was so easily distracted with what others were doing that I became overly critical of myself, focusing my energy on the areas where I was lacking rather than my strengths. I was on edge often and my interactions with the ones closest to me took a negative turn.
Then a couple days ago, as I was sitting alone in my bedroom, everything that was and wasn’t happening in my life just hit me all at once and I had an emotional breakdown. I felt so unhappy, unaccomplished and unfulfilled. I wound up opening up to my family about how I was feeling. A close friend of mine came over and took me to this cool place where you can smash pottery to help release tension. The website tagline read, “It’s cheaper than therapy.”
“You just need to break some shit,” she told me.
I took her statement literally and figuratively. I definitely needed to break some stuff in my life, and way more than just pottery (although breaking that felt good, too lol). I needed to break the habit of focusing on the negative over the positive. I needed to break this spirit of jealousy and bitterness. I needed to break away from everything that was causing me to lose focus on becoming the woman God called me to be. So with every piece of pottery I smashed up against that wall, I imagined all those things in my life being shattered right along with it.
Then I began to think of the positive things that happened this year. This summer, I became a Detroit influencer for I Don’t Do Clubs. In October, I launched an event newsletter for Black professionals around the Detroit area. Last month I finally stepped out on faith and quit my job. Two weeks later I was offered a better position at another company, which I’ll be starting Jan. 2. I realized that I had been dedicating so much of my time and energy reflecting on all the things I didn’t accomplish this year that I forgot about how blessed I really am. I was so focused on who I wasn’t that I was acually neglecting who I was.
“I just want you to know how worthy you are,” my aunt told me during our family talk. “You are so beautiful and intelligent and gifted, and I want you to start believing that for yourself.”
So my goals for 2018 are: 1) to love and build myself up to the point of unwavering contentment and confidence; 2) to pace rather than pressure myself; and 3) to consistently and confidently go after everything God has for ME. Because I am gifted. I am beautiful.
And I am worthy.