At the start of 2020, I posed a challenge to hold myself accountable to my goal of writing and finishing my first book this year. As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm a recovering procrastinator who has been sitting on this book for the past FIVE YEARS. So, I figured starting this challenge -- which I cleverly titled #GetWrite2020 -- would be a good way to ensure I stay on track with meeting my goal and encourage others to participate as well.
But this challenge was much more than me just sitting my ass down everyday to write and meet my daily word count. It shed light on certain aspects of myself that have been hindering me from writing this book for so long:
Throughout this challenge, I'd ask myself questions like:
Can I really do this?
Am I truly capable of writing a book?
Do I have what it takes to become an author?
There are plenty of amazing bestsellers out there...
Does my work have to potential to be bestseller material?
It was as if I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't skilled or competent enough to do the very thing I know I was placed on this Earth to do. Like I wasn't capable of accomplishing the one goal I've dreamt of accomplishing since I first fell in love with writing at the age of six.
It made me wonder why I allow myself to succumb to fears of defeat when I know I'm fully equipped to win. Why I have this terrible habit of defaulting to self-doubt over self-efficacy. Why it's easier for me to affirm others than it is to affirm myself. I realized that the true challenge wasn't in writing my book, but in the process of shifting from a fearful to a faith-filled mindset. It was acquiring the discipline and patience to stay the course and continuously extend myself grace throughout this journey.
Exactly one week ago, Kobe Bryant, one of the greatest legends of NBA history, died in a helicopter crash alongside his 13-year-old daughter, Gianna "Gigi" Bryant, and seven other victims. When news first broke of his death, I was shook. When I found out his daughter was on the helicopter with him, I lost it. Knowing that the three girls on that helicopter -- Gianna Bryant, Payton Chester and Alyssa Altobelli -- died before reaching their potential is something I'll never be able to wrap my head around. Knowing that Kobe Bryant -- Black Mamba -- the seemingly invincible man who touched so many lives could die so suddenly was a very haunting, human reminder that we are all living on borrowed time.
The one thing I fear more than death is dying before I've fulfilled my purpose on this Earth. I realize that the more I distract myself with delusional thoughts and feelings of doubt and inadequacy, the more I manifest my greatest fear. So, I'm making some different choices.
I'm choosing discomfort over complacency.
Faith over fear.
Discipline over distractions.
"Mamba Mentality" over Imposter Syndrome.
Because yes, I am more than capable of writing this book.
Yes, I do have what it takes to become a best-selling author.
Time to start proving myself right.