I'm a person who feels a lot. Sh*t can get overwhelming at times.
I feel the weight of my thoughts and emotions;
I feel the energy of those around me;
I just feel stuff lol.
And people who know me -- like, know me know me -- know this.
They know when I'm feeling some type of way, my first instinct is to talk about it;
And when they're feeling some type of way, I'm gonna immediately pick up on it;
And then try to talk about it lol.
Because if I hold on to something for too long, it eats away at me. There's been so many times I'd get in my head wondering how or why someone did what they did or said what they said. Or if there was something I could've done or said differently to produce a better outcome. I'd let it consume me until I'd worry myself sick about it. I've been this way ever since I was a little girl, and I hated it.
I hated that I was always so vulnerable;
I hated that I could never let things go without making my feelings known; I hated that I couldn't allow others to feel how they felt without me taking ownership of their feelings.
I still hate it.
Lord, why did you make me this way?
Why can't I just not care -- or at least not show it -- like a normal person?
Why does every feeling I process have to be such a damn process?
Why is it so easy for folks to get under my skin?
I can't tell you how many times I've asked God these questions. I'm talking those wet-face-in-the-pillow-crying-through-clenched-teeth type of questions. But eventually, I got my answer.
Over the past couple of years, I've come to terms with the fact that this is just who I am -- a sensitive, caring, vulnerable-ass human being. But I'm learning that with self-acceptance comes self-accountability.
I've come to realize that while yes, God made me this way, I have the power to control how I respond in situations. I have the power to pick and choose my battles. I have the power to process my emotions without jumping off of the deep end. I have the power to heal and let go of things without openly addressing it all the time. I have the power to own my traumas and triggers. I have the power to meet -- or leave -- people where they are, with no expectations or need for validation. I have the power to respect how others feel without trying to take responsibility for their feelings. I have the power to forgive and move on, even if an apology was never given. I have the power to protect my peace, my growth, my happiness.
I have the power to not give away my power.
Slowly but surely, I'm learning the art of being "unbothered":
How to care without becoming too consumed;
How to process my feelings -- and allow others to do the same -- without taking it personally;
How to respond without overreacting;
How to extend grace without overextending myself;
How to be vulnerable without making myself a victim.
It's a process -- and boy, is it a process lol -- but I'm getting there.
I'll get there.
Slowly, but surely.